I Hate You Lenny Henry

British funny-man Lenny Henry has earned a place on my bastard list.

Why, you ask? Am I offended by his easy-going style of comedy, or his other work, or some stupid crap he might have uttered, or even (god forbid) his ethnicity?

None of the above.

It's because he's married to Dawn French.

For those of you on a day-trip from Mars, Dawn French is a British actress and comedienne. She is most famous for being one-half of the "French and Saunders" duo, as well as playing the titular (and I don't use that word lightly) character in the acclaimed "Vicar of Dibley". She also done a bunch of other, lesser known stuff which I shan't mention here, along with many cameos and appearances. Dawn French is one of Britain's most loved celebrities.

She is also, IMNSHO, one of the sexiest women on TV. I don't care what anyone says, in my book there's a whole lotta gorgeous chick right there. And she actually has a working brain atop that voluptuous Rubinesque frame. She has more talent, panache and chutzpah in her little finger than many so-called "glamorous" actresses and certain socialite scum have in their whole boney carcasses. I'd rather stare adoringly at Dawn's pinup than an entire cast of "Top Models", those spoilt whiney mentally-challenged little prepubescents. She could whoop a complete line-up of "Ladettes", that drunken swearing repulsive collection of painted mullets, with one hand behind her back.

The best part is, she doesn't give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks of her. Does Dawn French go around blubbering like, "Ooooohhhhh I'm overweight! All the women's trash mags will take pictures and make fun of me and everyone will laugh and hate me... so I had better go on an ancient-Himalayan orange-peel-and-lemur-dung diet till my skeleton shows!" Oh, no. She goes and gets a lucrative advertising deal with a major chocolate manufacturer, and makes millions. Now that's class.

Twenty-plus years on TV has dulled neither her wit nor her charm nor her splendour, which burns ever brightly like the star she is.

So, Lenny Henry, you have earned my ire because you are Dawn French's he-bitch and the luckiest man on Earth. I would bitch slap you if you weren't so big, although I bet you'd run crying to Dawn. Prick.

Disclaimer: In fact it's me who's the luckiest man on Earth since I met my missus *nervous laugh*... but, you know, artistic hyperbole and all that :]

Disclaimer 2: I don't really hate Lenny Henry... actually I find him a bloody funny guy.