Enough is Enough, JJJ

Last time I was having a belly-ache about Australia's premier youth radio network, Triple-J. For sure, there are a lot of things wrong with Auntie ABC's bastard little cousin. Annoying things. Infuriating things. But probably the most pressing thing wrong with JJJ and that which deserves the quickest fixing, is this:

The breakfast show.

At this moment in time, JJJ's breakfast show, which is broadcast weekdays from 6am till 9am, is hosted by three individuals: Robbie Buck, Marieke Hardy, and The Doctor (aka. Lindsay McDougall). Three reasonably capable professionals in the radio industry, there is no doubt. However put them together, and each weekday morning Robbie, Marieke and The Doctor blast out an unceasing, three-hour wave of mediocrity and lameness.

For God sake, a breakfast show should be a loud, in-your-face carnivale of music and silliness. It's job is to wake people up like a boxing glove to the jaw. Get folks going in the morning, let them forget for a few minutes the horrid reality of their lives and the meaninglessness of their employment, which is why they are getting out of bed for in the first place. A good brekky show should drag listeners out of bed with a slap to the chops, throw some clothes on them and boot their arses out the door without them pondering the hopelessness of their whole existences. And be glad for it.

A breakfast show should not make people feel like flopping straight back into bed because it is so eye-droopingly boring.

Before the current second-rate lineup, the Triple-J Breakfast show was good. Hosted by The Doctor (the same) and Jay (aka. Jason Whalley), together with Myf Warhurst, this lineup continued a fine, star-studded tradition of excellent brekky shows. Lineups which included such luminaries as Adam Spencer and Wil Anderson, Mikey Robbins and Helen Razer, Flacco and The Sandman, Paul McDermott, Jono Coleman, and the great Maynard. But to name a few. It was this calibre of morning entertainment that kept listeners like me coming back to the J's long after my demographic should have moved to the far more dim-witted and puerile commercial offerings.

But not any more.

When it was announced that Jay was sodding off to sit on a mountain or something, it was expected that a replacement would be found worthy of the long and gem-encrusted history of the Triple-J brekky crew. Someone to sit opposite The Doctor and entertain us all as he and his predecessors had done for 20 year and more.

Instead, what we got was a crew with absolutely no on-air chemistry; no "zing", no "zaz", or any other word used to denote a happenin' thing. A complete wet fish from the start. A limp piece of soggy celery, like what you find in the bottom of the fridge during the bi-annual clean out. Indeed, when they first announced that the brekky crew would include Robbie and Marieke, already known to JJJ listeners, many people wondered about management's decision to use these folks. Lisenters hoped it was only a stop-gap until a proper breakfast lineup could be found.

But no such luck.

Let's start with Robbie Buck. Robbie tends to be the front man, the one who speaks the most dialogue. In other words he loves the sound of his own voice. Now as the front man one would expect him to be the steam which drives the show's engine. And so he is, and as such the show never gets enough momentum to clear a molehill. It's not that Robbie is a bad person or an incompetent DJ or anything. It's just that he's so BORING!

Now it's not his fault. It's the fault of Triple-J's management for putting a person totally unsuited to the role in the hot seat. Robbie Buck should never front up a breakfast show. He should be assigned to what he does best, which is hosting a Sunday evening show interviewing pothead muso's and running out the tedious minutiae of the local rock scene.

Next, Marieke. All I can say is, Marieke, honey, it's called a "personality." Naw, that was uncalled for... Marieke tries so hard, she really does. But it is hard to get a word in edgewise with Robbie "I'm Talking Here" Buck. Anyway, again, the gentle Marieke is way unsuited for a breakfast show. She should be hosting some kind of mellow midday show, something to croon to young stay-at-home mums with boxes of bon-bons. Something which gently eases shift workers and uni students out of bed and into the daylight.

Case in point: Marieke once went on vacation for a week. I did not even notice until she came back, and the other two were like, "So how was your holiday." And I'm like, "My god she was absent for a week?" Sheesh. But again, not her fault.

As for The Doctor, like I said, he would be perfect for the brekky lineup if JJJ would bloody well find someone suitable to sit opposite him. He is the only entertaining one of the three. I suppose JJJ's management thought Doctor would take the mantle of the "funny guy" or "idiot sidekick" in this lineup; which might have worked, except that The Doctor is essentially a straight man. What Doctor needs is a Laural to his Hardy, a Barney to his Fred.

I remember around Christmas time the breakfast crew had their regular 4 week break. And I tell ya what, the replacement DJs they had in that time were infinitely more entertaining. It was a blast. It was once again a pleasure to tune in to JJJ in the mornings. We had exciting stuff, and funny anecdotes, and actual music, and DJs who were a little more interesting than listening to paint grow or whatever. And no tired droning for ten minutes abut how exciting the show is gonna be, so stay tuned. Heaven.

But, inescapably, the regular dullard crew came back. And I'm like, "Oh drat and bother." (In not so many words.)

Seriously, JJJ, this has got to stop. It has been going for over a year now. It's time to say enough is enough. The current morning lineup cannot hold a bloody candle to the illustrious lineups of yore. And frankly, JJJ management, this mob is an insult to all the greats you have nurtured over the years, as well as an insult to your avid listeners. You's ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

The saddest part is, it's not like there isn't any talent in the hallowed halls of Triple-J. Waking up before 6am, I am often set to stitches by the pairs of up-and-comers they have on during the graveyard shift. There's a couple of young dudes who crack me up, and a couple of chicks who are just classics. Even that nice boy, Anton, has his moments. And we jolly well know that these electrifying youngsters are more than capable of doing a good job, because they were brought in to replace the regular lineup during the Christmas break, as I described earlier.

But, of bloody f***ing course, Triple-J does not give these more-than-able DJ's a fair go, since they do not have the years under their belts. No, they are overlooked when it comes to the popular timeslots and relegated to the dogs where their talent can be appreciated by bakers and garbage collectors. Instead, JJJ's management would rather bill a dreary, lackluster, uninspiringly mediocre crew with the entertainment value of a moldy turnip. Simply because they have the requisite number of years working in radio.

And it is this fact that reinforces more than anything that, despite the veneer of being "rebellious" and "kickarse", Triple-J just another bloody public service.