Burn the Bastards

Unless you have been living in a cave for the past few days, you will have heard about the terrible bushfires currently raging across Victoria, Australia. It is utterly bloody shocking, especially the death toll, which stands at over 170 at this time. The fires are so unusually huge and infernal that the sanctuaries people are told to seek in a bushfire -- i.e. hunkering down inside cars and houses -- are become death traps. I honestly have trouble envisaging that in this day and age, so many people can die in bushfires. Absolutely terrible.

But for me, and for most people I guess, the worst thing is that some of the fires were lit deliberately. That's right, some f***wit is directly responsible for destroying property and burning people to death.

Now that is not to say it was all done on purpose. When they say on the news that "fires were deliberately lit", it could have come by accidental means, such as sparks from an angle grinder. That is to say, through carelessness. Of course the fact that the perpetrator did not light the fire out of malice is no consolation to people who have lost all their possessions, or worse yet lost loved ones. Nor does it excuse the braindead morons who failed to take proper care. I can feel a bit of pity to these nimrods, because they did not honestly intend to kill people, and it is Aussie to just write it off and say, "no worries mate." But we must remain steadfast. These individuals should be held fully to account for the destruction and misery they have caused. And they must stand as a reminder to others that life is not cheaper than taking a few extra seconds to exercise due care.

Then there are the unthinking arseholes who fling cigarette butts out of car windows. Too lazy to even stub the thing out in the ashtray, or better yet in their own eye, it's out the window without a care. There have been campaigns and we have been reminded again and again and again about how discarded cigarettes can, surprise surprise, start bushfires. I have absolutely no sympathy for this species of uncaring f***wad, and as far as I'm concerned, throw the book at them. 25-to-life is a good start.

Of course by far the worst perpetrator, though, is the dirtbag arsonists who lights fires on purpose. Whether a bored teen or a deranged firebug, these buttwipes are the lowest form of bottom-feeding scum suckers. The charge against these criminals should be multiple counts of murder. They should only exit prison in a box, preferably after being arse raped by cell mate Bubba and his collection of barbed wire.

Now for better or worse we do not have capital punishment in this country; but speculation is soothing to the soul, and I had a quick whip-round with my friends and colleagues about appropriate punishments for these contemptible evildoers. They include:

- Burn the bastards;
- Hang 'em the slow way;
- Stab to the guts with a screwdriver and leave to bleed out;
- Smear with honey and stake out on a nest of meat ants;
- Five minutes with a bunch of people who lost their homes with baseball bats;
- Handcuff to a tree in the path of a raging bushfire;
- Legs chopped off and then dump in the path of same fire.

Like I said, soothing.

It just so happens they have nabbed two scumbags for deliberately lighting these latest fires; one of them a 15 year-old lad. If it were up to me, and a lot of other people, this little snot would be tried as an adult. And then he can spend the rest of his long days in the pokey in his orange skivvies, with the rest of the hardened crims for playmates. Little arsehole.

Oh yeah, but I can just imagine the reality... "I didn't mean to!" "I was just mucking around!" "It wasn't my fault!" And then come the limp-wristed apologists, "It's not his fault, don't be too hard on him, he's a troubled kid, he's got issues, his dad ran off, his mum beats him, he's got ADHD, blah blah f***ing blah..." So the judge will be all stern and send him off to juvey for a whopping 2 years. Then the kid will act all teary and remorseful, and so after six months all the bleeding-heart do-gooders will say he's learned his lesson. And so another murderous little turd will be back out on the streets, with an expunged record.

All that for 170 people burned to death.

Make it 171 and we'll call it even ;)