American Independence Day: Merci, France

Ah, the 4th of July... Star-spangled banners are flying, and Americans all over the world are loudly celebrating their independence. While I join our Yankee cousins in honoring the birth of their great nation, I'll also take the opportunity to gently remind everyone of who it was that helped them win their independence:

The French.

It's ironic, but America hates the French. Well not hate, but loathe. Laugh at. Deride. It's common in American culture these days to rip on the French at every opportunity. It's become a cliche. All in all, "Francophobia" has become an American pastime.

Sure, the French don't make it any easier for themselves. They are renowned for being arrogant pigs. We've all heard stories of a tourist accosting some local in Paris, asking the way to the train station in clumsy French, only to have him snidely mutter "Pardon?" And everyone knows the French are cowards. Their refusal to help out in the War on Terror, and thumbing their noses at American geopolitics in general, has become infamous. (But then, for a nation which has been at virtually continuous warfare for the past 300 years, wiping out entire generations of young men, taking a breather from death and destruction is understandable.)

But let me ask you this. If it wasn't for the French, you know what America would be today? I'll tell you: It'd be the largest colony in the British f**ing empire.

A little history lesson: The American War of Independence. Most people today don't grasp the enormous disparity between the forces of the British Empire and the fledging American nation in that conflict. Britain was the preeminent military and economic power of the day. It was a superpower. It commanded seemingly inexhaustible resources, manpower and matériel. America, on the other hand, was a pissant collection of backwater colonies. They had a huge landmass, but they still relied on the mother country for trade, manufactured goods and security. Their military was puny and disorganized. For 18th century Britain to clash with America is like imagining, say, America today invading Belgium or Tanzania. Or Canada.

Britain had the finest army in the world. It was a well-trained, well-equipped fighting machine. From the war's outset the Redcoats steamrolled their way from Connecticut to Virginia unabated. Washington's Continental army, by contrast, was a shambles. It consisted for the most part of simple farmers and laborers. They were poorly-trained, poorly-equipped and poorly-fed. Most didn't have uniforms, so they stuck a sprig of greenery in their hats to be recognized. Half of them didn't have shoes for chrissake. The only time they got the upper hand was in bush skirmishes, where their woodsman's skills came to bear and the Redcoats stood out like a dog's balls. But in pitched battles against the Brits it was a massacre. Many times the Patriots simply broke and ran. Now these guys weren't cowards. They weren't craven. They were brave men. But they were common folk, and it takes a special kind of training and discipline to hold rank while being shot at. Morale was abysmal.

Now take the Royal Navy. The Limeys had absolute supremacy on the seas. The Atlantic was their personal pond. Hundreds of ships-of-the-line, crewed by salty old dogs battle-hardened from years of pounding the crap out of the Spaniards, the Dutch and whoever else. All they had to do was park the Royal Navy off the coast and blockade the major ports. New York, Boston, Philadelphia, Richmond... even if by some miracle the Continental army was able to start besting the Redcoats, without the trade and money of the port cities the US's ability to wage war would have crumbled in months.

And yet, against these overwhelming odds, the Patriots prevailed. How? How did a ragtag bunch of colonials beat the world's foremost power?

Gumption? Guile? Good ol' American can-do?

Bullshit. It was the French.

With the revolution close to collapse and the Brits poised to reestablish dominance, the Frogs saw a perfect opportunity to stick it to their ancient adversaries. They did three things which turned the tide in favor of the Yankees. First, they supplied Washington with men, ships and equipment. True, the French troops weren't deployed to much effect, but it still provided the Redcoats with something else to worry about. Second, they supplied much needed training and battle expertise to the Patriot troops. Suddenly Washington's army started winning pitched battles and the Redcoats didn't seem so invincible anymore. Third, and perhaps most crucially, the Frenchies started attacking British interests elsewhere around the globe. This forced the Brits to spread their military resources thin, especially the Royal Navy, so they couldn't throw the entire weight of the Empire at those damn colonists.

The rest, as they say, is history.

All you red-blooded Americans, bear this in mind. It was the French who saved your asses from a deadly whoopin' at the hands of the Brits. It was French who were responsible for the genesis your great nation. It was the French who ensured you have a president instead of a queen. And it was the French who had a direct hand in the events this day is celebrated for.

Seriously.

So on this 4th of July, if you're a patriotic American and you see a Frenchie in the street, rather than busting on him, you should be thanking him. You should get down on your hands and knees and kiss his snail-eating ass. Because without La République Française, there would be no America. Furthermore, a few days hence on Bastille Day, which is France's national holiday, every American should be out there wearing berets, eating croissants and singing the freakin' Marseillaise.

Vive...