Worst iProduct Name Ever

By now, everyone has heard of Apple's newest income spinner: the iPad. Straight from Steve Jobs' stable of marketing racketeers to your coffee table, it's an iPhone that doesn't fit right in your pocket.

Most people are probably familiar with the "electronic pad" gadget seen in Star Trek and other SciFi media; now that vision of the hi-tech analogue to a clipboard has been realised as the iPad. And maybe it is a great product. But with a sticker price from AUD$650 to over $1000, I think I'll wait till Motorola or Samsung comes out with a less expensive and more feature-packed competitor.

And hopefully one with a better name.

You see, all the people I have spoken to about the iPad are unanimous in one respect: No woman was on the team that came up with that name. I mean, seriously... "iPad"?

"iPad"????

It sounds like a new brand of feminine... I don't even have to say what it sounds like. Because that's the first thing everyone thought of when they heard the name "iPad".

Everyone that is, except for the shambling mass of Jobs-philes whose brains are too addled with Applethink to make that obvious, crass connection.

I can just picture it: Outside a large boardroom in Cupertino, CA, a sign says: "New Product Naming Team: Knock Before Entering." Inside, a dozen cool and hip exec types, in their jeans and open-collar shirts with little apples on the lapels, sit around an enormous desk. There is not a woman among them. They've been holed in the boardroom for a month straight now -- there are dirty coffee cups and crushed Red Bull cans all over the place, and a huge pile of empty pizza boxes and sushi containers in the corner. Screwed up pieces of paper litter the desk and floor. A whiteboard covered in scribbled words sits along one wall. The whole place is awash with the glow from a dozen MacBook screens. The leader of the group sits at the head of the table; a portrait of Steve Jobs looking humble and noble hangs on the wall above him.

Wild-eyed and unshaven, these guys are hyped to the gills on caffeine and guarana. The lack of sleep has not dulled their enthusiasm. Finally, the leader stands and declares, "So we have it, then! The new product will be named... iPad!" There is clapping and adulation from the others. The theme from "2001" starts playing in the background.

The janitor, who has entered the boardroom unannounced, pipes up. "But doesn't that sound like a brand of feminine--" Security escorts him from the building.

God Al-friggin-mighty.